Posted on: February 13, 2008 9:23 am

A Beef-Roid Story

Richard Nixon's Ghost: Roger, get up Roger, you greasy malcontent. It's you're president.

Clemens(waking up): Huh? Who is it? Who's there? Is that you Grandpa? I don't wanna play "freaky turtle" today.
RNG: No Roger it's me, You're commander-in-chief. Old Tricky.
Clemens:Dick Nixon? But your, your.....
RNG: Yes Roger, dead as a door nail. But I've come back for you Roger, to bring you a warning from beyond the grave! OOOOHHHHHHHH(scary ghost chants ensue)

Clemens:Please go away! This is just a dream, a horrible, drug induced hallucination!
RNG: No Roger, this is real, as real as my dog Checkers after eating a half-dozen Snickers bars. So heed my words Roger, for I feel you're pain.
 You will be visited by three others within the next week, you're first will be today. Some lowlife who calls himself "Petite". He is you're Howard Dean, Roger. He is you're misery. He has the eyes of a fruit bat and the breath of a dung-beetle, and he must be dealt with Roger.
Clemens: No. Andy's my friend. Your Lying! You liar! Go back to Presidents hell,you swine!
RNG: You covered up Roger, now the wagons are circling. The cover up Roger, it's always the cover-up.
Clemens: But, I'm telling the truth. I'm from Texas!
RNG: STOP NOW (RNG SCREAMS). How dare you lie to the Undead! You knave! You scurvy bastard! Don't you understand, they smell blood now. The media is turning on you. Soon you're own children will cast you off as a Scottish leper, bartenders will spit in you're Jim Beam and cokes, Your wife will blame you for her new pain. You're doomed.
Clemens: You right! Oh God, you're right. What have I done?!(sobs)

RNG: Pull yourself together man! Nows not the time for self-pity. Save that for you're hall of fame induction. Now is the time for action, and I've got just the thing for that worm you call a friend.

Clemens: Oh please Dick Nixon, what should I do?
RNG:(whispers) Well, the first thing is..............
Posted on: February 9, 2008 2:04 pm
Edited on: February 9, 2008 7:18 pm

A funny thing happened on the way to the game

My Uncle Grady loves the Detroit Pistons. He Always has. In fact, with out going into embarrassing detail, his devotion to the 'Stons goes way beyond his Dave Bing bed spread or his Chauncey Billups pull-over. His passion for Detroit basketball can only be rivaled by his lust for free cocktails and women's beach volleyball. My Aunt Pearl claims he talks to Rasheed in his sleep. She has been shocked from deep R.E.M. state to the screams of "BALL DON"T LIE" about once a week for two years now. But she understands, some nights.

So when I called my Uncle Grady and told him I had an extra ticket to the Pistons/Trailblazers game last Friday, and that I would even drive, I knew Ole Uncle G would be fired up. "You're a damn fine nephew,damn fine" he fired back calmly after hearing the good news. I could almost feel the warmth of his Levi's being pulled across the fiber optic phone lines. It felt good to make someone happy with the simple prospect of a free ticket to a basketball game. Especially my aging Uncle.

I got to my Aunt and Uncles around 3:00, gassed up, cooler packed and ready to go. It only takes around an hour and a half to two hours to get from Toledo to the Palace of Auburn hills, but the roads were snow packed, so I thought we'd leave early. Plus, having traveled with my Uncle Grady in the past, I was keenly aware of the number of rest stops we may have to hit along the way. If we get there to early, well, theres a little bar called the Dugout right by the Palace that is a decent spot to kill an hour or two.

I honked twice in the driveway and saw my Aunt peek through the brown curtains of the living room, she looked distraught for some reason. Less than a minute later, my Uncle came barreling out of the screen door and almost slipped and broke his neck coming down the frozen porch steps. Aunt Pearl slammed the door behind him violently, screaming something about "priorities" and "selfish ingrates", it was hard to tell exactly. My Uncle came sauntering up to my ride in typical old man fashion. He was carrying two large brown paper bags and the scowl on his face was unmistakable, he and my Aunt had been fighting.

"What's up Unc?" I smiled, trying to be as chipper as possible. I didn't want our trip to be a downer. Maybe I was feeling selfish, but good moods are hard to come by these days, and for once I was excited about the nights prospects. "AHHHHH" Uncle Grady grumbled bitterly. "Your Aunt is all pissed off at me". "Why, what'd you do now?" I replied still smiling. Grady just shot me a stern, steely look and said "Drive Junior". I knew it was going to be a long roadie, but maybe he'd perk up after tip off. So, as instructed ,I backed my beastly wheels back down the icy driveway and headed towards I-75, that's when Uncle Grady pulled a full bottle of Johnny Walker Blue out of one of the torn paper sacks. "I was saving this for my anniversary" he said staring inquisitively at the fresh fifth of scotch. "Well, you'll have time to get another bottle" I shot back,a little worried about open intoxicants. "No I won't" said Uncle Grady. "My anniversary is today".

This was part 1 of 3 in the first installment of UGG blog-next post 2/11/08
Category: General
Tags: Pistons
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or